My eyes would just not cooperate with me. I was tired but my mind was racing a million miles a second. I look over and see my wife, whom had finally been able to fall asleep to the music of the beeping machines and the nurses walking in and out of the hospital room, and once again the fear crept up inside my head.
For nine long months I waited. Having gone through the utmost fear (having to tell my mom and her dad that they would be grandparents) the fear that I had to day was different. Would I be able to be a good dad? Would I be able to fill these big ass shoes? Am I cut out to be a dad?
You see, even tho I did know my father and he wasn’t exactly absent in my life; he wasn’t exactly there either. With sporadic visits and periods of years where I did not know where to find him he became more of a mystery than a Dad to me. Reflecting upon my own childhood that night and all I can think of were the things…the moment I was lacking in my memory. How could I long for moments that I never experienced? I fell asleep.
A life not yet lived flashed before my eyes. A life full of this person whom I had decided to bring into this world together with this woman. I imagined all the circus’ and all the games. I imagined the lessons, the tears, the hugs, and the smile of a child not yet born. A loud voice penetrated the skies above me and told me with the sounds that only your heart can hear that I would be a great dad.
Then, in that dream, a Lion walked through a field. a lion cub walked along side of it. They played as if hunting, the father letting his cub win at these hunting games as if to make the cub mentally sure of himself. As if uplifting the cubs self esteem. I dawned on me; the same way that no one has to teach a lion how to be a good father, no one had to teach me.
A scream jolted me out of that dream stage and back into reality. Suddenly the room filled with doctors and nurse. My mother in law and I looked at each other not knowing what to do but follow the instructions of the doctor who was there to deliver the baby. A couple of huff and puffs and 7 minutes later I saw the face of my son for the first time. I must’ve have cried for about 5 minutes. Just touching his hands; his little toes. I could not control the tears as I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I had never felt before. I was a father that day.
“Do you want to hold your son?” said the gentle voice of the nurse who had cleaned off my baby and wrapped him like a burrito.
I extended my arms and held that little boy. I tucked him in my arms and looked at a reflection of myself. I imagined that this too must have been what my own father saw the first time he looked at me. I couldn’t help but let strong feelings slide into that moment. I could not tell you if those feelings were negative or positive, all I can tell you is that they were strong.
With these thoughts in my mind and these feeling in my heart I whispered into my son’s ear.
“I promise that with every moment I am alive I will be there for you. To guide you. To teach you. To show you the way. I promise to always be here, son.” a promise I would later on make to my daughter as well.
This father’s day I reflect on that promise and on the past 10 years of my fatherhood. Today I am once again full of wonderful feelings as I sneak in to my children’s bedroom to see them sleep there. So comfortable, so warm and unaware of any hardship.
Today I know what father’s day is all about.